I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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