Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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