Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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