i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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