I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
