Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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