My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
