Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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