how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
