Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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