Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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