White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just had sex on a roof
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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