in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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