I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
