the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
