just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
