My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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