i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
