I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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