just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
