I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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