And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize