Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
