I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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