According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Houston, we have a blender
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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