I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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