you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
i think i just naturally attract stoners
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
