Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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