I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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