i was born a porn star she said
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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