So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
