He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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