He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
