You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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