Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
