Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
