literally had 100 drinks last night.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
