life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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