In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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