Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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