there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
