I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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