Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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