I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
