Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
