Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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