In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
