why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
