I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
