i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
