I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
