omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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