he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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