wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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