apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
