The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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