I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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