The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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