i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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