you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize