Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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