I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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