Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Boobs speak an international language.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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