My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
