the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
