if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
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