I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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