Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
